CASE #044 | Buhay Misis

Planning to get married? Or have you just recently tied the knot? Kumusta naman? Let us take a closer look at the life of being a “missus.”

Game. Let's do this!

September is our wedding month. This year Hubby and I celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. I know what you are thinking… the seven-year itch. Well, technically we have been together for already 10 years. Three years as a couple and seven years in marriage. Masasabi kong we have already surpassed the so-called 7-year itch.

Saved the date!

Our relationship is not that perfect. There have been ups and downs. There are a lot of struggles sa iba’t ibang aspeto ng buhay namin pareho. After all, we are two very different individuals joined together in matrimony. Sa tingin ko, iyan ang isa sa mga pinakamahalagang factor that you should consider before saying “YES” to a marriage.  And here are 10 more things to consider before getting married:

1. Hindi Kaning Isusubo

Totoo ang sinasabi ng mga matatanda. It may sound cliché, traditional, old-fashioned, call it whatever you want but you can never deny the fact that this is true.

Hindi parang kaning isusubo na iluluwa na lang kapag napaso.

Ang pag-aasawa raw ay hindi kaning isusubo na iluluwa na lang basta kapag napaso. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Sans religious beliefs, indigenous beliefs, legal laws, etc. Hindi mo maikakaila na you will be committing yourself to just one person for a long period of time.

Sa totoo lang, dati hindi ako naniniwala sa marriage. I have seen a lot of marriages go down the drain. Hindi na ako lalayo. Sa sariling pamilya namin maraming ganyang kaso. Pero kasi hindi naman perfect ang mundong ito. Magkakamali at magkakamali ang bawat isa inyo. The question is, are you willing to accept and stand by that person regardless and despite everything?

A promise to be with each other in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do you apart.

Yes, it is a choice. It is a decision. A decision you would have to live by for the rest of your life. Kahit pa sabihing may divorce, annulment, or allowable sa paniniwala niyo ang mag-asawa ng higit sa isa. May tao kang pinapapasok sa buhay mo.

2. Changing of Names

Although, legally hindi naman required tayong mga kababaihan to change our last name lalo na kung artista ka, pulitiko, kilalang doctor, kilalang abogado, or you have made a name for yourself which might be affected kapag nagpalit ka ng pangalan. Nasa pag-uusap na ninyo iyang mag-asawa.

It's complicated!

Typically, Filipino women change their last name and use their husband’s surname. Kung hindi naman, hyphenated. I know gender-equality issues and all. Pero ganun ang kadalasang nangyayari. I have no problem because hindi rin naman kagandahan ang maiden name ko so might as well use a surname that is more pleasing to hear.

Pero wait lang. 

Hindi ito simpleng pagpapalit lang ng pangalan. Hindi ito parang pag-update lang ng Facebook profile mo at ng relationship status mo sa social media. This is a long grueling process.

Bakit?

Well, kasi lahat ng valid IDs mo papalitan mo. It means pipila ka at personally pupunta sa mga government agencies to update your status and your surname.


Like TIN. Importante iyan so one of you can declare your child/children as dependent/s for tax purposes. Kung pareho kayo ng husband mo na working, it would be best if kung sino ang mas malaki ang basic pay, sa kanya naka-declare ang mga bata for tax exemption.

Zombie...zombie...zombie...eeee...eee

Sa SSS naman, this is also important na ma-declare ka ng husband mo as dependent. Para kung anuman ang mangyari, you can claim his benefits on his behalf. If pareho naman kayong SSS member, you still need to update your status para: (1) may valid ID ka using your married name, and (2) ma-avail ninyo ang maternity and paternity benefits ng SSS.

Same with Pag-ibig. Bukod sa additional valid ID, pwede rin kayong maging co-borrower ng husband mo if balak niyong bumili ng bahay at lupa. Mas maganda kasi combined income ang pagbabasehan lalo na kung pareho kayong Pag-ibig member.

Mas lalong mahalaga ang PhilHealth. Kung ang asawa mo lang ang member, kailangan ma-declare ka as dependent para covered ka rin ng hospitalization benefits. Kung pareho naman kayo, walang problema. Pareho kayong covered.

Visa still on maiden name

Another document that you may need to update is your passport. Kasi valid ID rin iyan. Kung meron kang approved visas from foreign countries like US and UK, tapos maiden pa ang gamit mo, you will need to attach the old passport to the new one and a PSA (Philippine Statistics Authority) copy of your marriage certificate. You will be showing this to immigration officers in your country of destination. Para hindi sila magtaka na iba na ang pangalan mo.

If you are driving, you may also consider changing your driver’s license. Pwede naman kapag nag-expire na ito at kapag nagpa-renew ka na lang mo baguhin. But then again, you will need a valid ID under your married name. Same goes for PRC licenses for nurses, teachers, doctors, architects, engineers, brokers, etc. Basta may lisensiya, kailangan i-update.

Bank accounts din. ATM, credit card, debit card, everything. You might need to update them. Hindi naman agad-agad pero once nag-renew ka, it would be best na i-update mo na kasi required ka ng Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas to update your information and other details sa bangko. Basta merong memo na pinapadala every year ang mga banks regarding this in accordance with the anti-money laundering law or something.

If you are applying for jobs, visas, would like to continue your education, apply for licensure exams, etc, you will need to provide a copy of your marriage certificate. Kasi iba pa ang apelyido mo sa transcript of records mo at diploma. Not unless, estudyante ka pa lang nung nag-asawa ka.

PSA Marriage Certificate

O di ba ang dami? Well, hindi pa kasi tayo masyadong digital dito sa Pilipinas. National ID system nga hindi pa maipatupad. Asa ka pa na central database meron sa gobyerno? Wala. Kaya isa-isa mong lalakarin lahat iyan personally when you need those documents.

3. Living Arrangements

Siyempre after the wedding, magsasama na kayo ng asawa mo. Maliban na lang kung magkasama na kayo even before that. Ibang usapan naman iyon. Pero kung first time mong mag-move in, ang unang tanong ay saan?

My place or yours?

Do you have your own house? Will you be staying with in-laws? Sa family ba ng asawa mo or sa family ninyo?

Well, technically dapat before you get married meron na kayong sariling bahay. Or kahit rented place for you. Ideal iyon kasi maraming adjustments ang buhay may asawa. Kung hindi pa kayo magkasama dati, magsisimula ninyong ma-discover kung paano ba ang isa’t isa sa bahay.


If you are adjusting to your husband’s routine, nuances, behaviors, habits, etc…imagine the stress of having to do that for all your in-laws. Pakikisamahan mo silang lahat kasi kasama mo sila sa bahay. Hindi sila ang mag-a-adjust sa iyo kasi bahay nila iyon. Kaya medyo mahabang pasensiya ang kailangan mo at mataas na level ng tolerance.

Mind you, isa iyan sa mga issues na posibleng pag-awayan ng mag-asawa. Hindi ako nanghuhusga. Wala rin naman kaming sariling place ng asawa ko. I am very thankful because he agreed to live at our house kasama ng family ko. It was a request made by my lolo and lola before they died. Mahabang istorya pero siyempre happy ako that he honored that request at alam ko na there are times na mahirap din for him.

Dapat pag-usapan ninyong maigi iyan ng asawa mo. Kung saan ba talaga kayo titira. Kaya mahalaga na dapat economically prepared kayo sa pagpasok sa buhay may asawa. One of you should at least have a stable job to sustain rent, monthly bills, and all other expenses. Kahit naman nakikitira kayo sa family ng isa’t isa, parang nakakahiya naman kung lahat sagot nila. You should at least chip in sa household expenses.

4. Budget and Expenses

Isa rin iyan sa challenges na haharapin mo as a wife. Normally, ikaw dapat ang treasurer, auditor, stock custodian, purchasing officer, at comptroller sa bahay. Dapat alam mo ang flow ng expenses at budget ninyong mag-asawa. Mas maganda kung mag-iintrega ng sweldo sa iyo ang mister mo para centralized ang budgeting. Pero again, nasa pag-uusap ninyong mag-asawa iyan.

It is very helpful to separate and categorize expenses accordingly.

There are other couples I know that made arrangements with their spouses. Si Wifey sa food, groceries, household needs, etc. Si Husband naman sa electric bills, water bill, cable, internet, phone, utilities, etc. Okey rin naman ang ganito kung pareho kayong may trabaho. Ang downside is, pwedeng hindi ninyo alam ang total income ng isa’t isa. Dito pumapasok ang honesty is the best policy at trust. Hindi iyong condom kundi iyong tiwala ninyo sa isa’t isa.

Major conflict din ng relationship ang pera. Lalo na kapag may hindi nababayarang bill, may tinatagong bank account, may expenses na hindi mapaliwanag, may investment na hindi ipinaalam sa isa’t isa, may palihim na pinautang, lahat na. Isa iyan sa mga pinagmumulan ng away.

I will not claim to be an expert on this matter kasi medyo magastos din ako. Actually, pareho naman kami. Pero kaya nga kayo partner. Magtutulungan. Magkokontrahan kung kinakailangan. Kaya dapat laging open ang communication lalo na sa mga ganitong bagay.

5. Rooming Arrangements

It may sound petty pero believe me, isa ito sa mga pinakamahirap na adjustment na pwede mong gawin lalo na kung hindi ka sanay matulog nang may katabi or may kasama sa kwarto. You will experience waking up in the middle of the night dahil sa malakas na hilik. You may find your side of the bed not yours anymore kasi side niya na iyon. Even the number of pillows on your bed, the way they are arranged, sleeping position. Lahat na.

Cute and cuddly? Sa umpisa lang iyan!

Sa umpisa, you may find it sweet. Ang sarap mag-cuddle. Matulog nang may kayakap. Pero in the long run lalo na kapag komportable na kayo sa isa’t isa, iba na ang pwestuhan. Kanya-kanyang agawan na ng kumot at unan. Mahirap ito kasi tulog ang pinag-uusapan. Pahinga. So, there can be sleepless nights for you until maging komportable ka na may kasama.

Woke up like this!

Also, you will see the real “woke up like this” look ng isa't isa. Sa pelikula at TV lang iyong maganda pa rin kapag gumising sa umaga. Well, not unless ka-level mo si Dawn Zulueta, Kristine Hermosa, Liza Soberano, at Lucy Torres na mukha pa ring diyosa kahit na puro panis na laway at muta sa umaga.

6. Bathroom Arrangements

Mahirap ito lalo na kung dalawa kayong pumapasok sa umaga. Iyong isa matagal maligo. Iyong isa mabilis nga, makalat naman sa banyo. At kung nakikitira kayo, kailangang pumila ka kasi hindi lang kayo ang gagamit ng banyo.


Sa karamihan ng wifey na nakausap ko, iisa lang ang observation namin sa mga husband namin. They all have something in common. Hindi sila marunong maglagay ng maruming damit sa clothes hamper. Seryoso. Hindi talaga. Para silang ahas na kung saan na lang maiiwan ang balat kapag nagpalit-balat na sila. You would have to pick up after them.

Sino unang maliligo?

Na-try na namin ang lahat ng ways. Nagpasensiya. Nagtampo kunwari. Nagbunganga. Nag-demo. Nag-training. But to no avail. You will still find dirty clothes somewhere that you will have to pick up. Kaya kung obsessed ka sa organized stuff, well, magugulo talaga ang buong mundo mo.

It comes with the package.

Toothbrushes not in the glass. Towels not hung properly. Naiiwang bukas na gripo. Toothpaste tubes squeezed right in the centeer. Basura na hindi na-shoot sa trash can. Sobrang basang-basang banyo. Sabon na nagswi-swimming sa soap dish. And all those other little things. It may sound petty kasi maliliit na bagay lang naman. Sa umpisa cute. Nakakatawa. Pero may araw na mapipikon ka at maiinis lalo na kapag nagmamadali ka at male-late ka na.

Pero I’m pretty sure quits lang din. Kasi meron din siguro silang mapapansin sa iyo. Remember, ang malilit na bagay na iyan kapag naipon, sumasabog na lang bigla. Minsan nanganganak pa ng ibang issue na mas malalim at mas malaki. Kaya dapat umpisa pa lang matutunan mo na how to handle. You should know better than set expectations na kapag hindi na-meet ng asawa mo ay lalayasan mo.

7. Household Chores

Imagine before, damit mo lang nilalabhan mo. O baka nga hindi ka pa naglalaba. Pero now lalabahan mo na lahat. Hindi lang ang damit mo kundi pati ang sa kanya. Maswerte ka kung may kasambahay kayo who will do these chores for you. Pero kung wala, sad to say, madodoble ang load mo ng labahin. You will be washing his dirty clothes as well. As in pati underwear, medyas, atbp.

Labadami...

Meron namang mababait na husband na sila ang naglalaba. I would suggest investing in a good washing machine para hindi kayo mahirapan. Bumili ka rin ng maraming hangers. Mag-aral magplantsa at magtupi ng maayos. Pero take note, ang nakatuping damit ay hindi tumatagal ng 24 hours dahil may mga husband na kahit i-organize mo pa iyan at i-color-coordinate, isang hatak lang ang katumbas niyan. All hell will break loose.

Folded and hung

You will need to clean your room as well. Kung makalat ka dati at okey lang sa iyong matulog under a pile of clothes go ahead. Pero remember dalawa na kayo sa kwarto. Walang issue kung pareho kayong organized or pareho kayong burara. Quits lang.

Pero kung isa sa inyo ay OC sa kaayusan, medyo malaking adjustment ito. Lalo na kung nakikitira kayo kasi loob lang ng kwarto ang pwede mong i-rearrange. Pero the rest of the house, no touch!

Sa kultura nating mga Pinoy, wives are always the homemaker. Pero meron na rin namang mga cases na ang wife ang breadwinner at ang husband ang homemaker. Hindi naman din masama ang ganitong set up. Hindi rin naman masama kung maghahati kayo sa chores. Let’s say mas okey sa iyo ang maglaba at ang asawa mo ang magluluto. O kaya naman vice versa. Pwede ninyong pag-usapan kung sino ang gagawa ng alin.

Iron Man!

Maliban na lang kung full-time housewife ka. Most of the chores will always be assigned to you since mas mahaba ang time mo na nasa bahay ka. Again, nasa pag-uusap ninyo iyan. Hindi pwedeng pakiramdaman na lang. Kapag wala ng pinggan saka na lang maghugas. Kung sino wala nang damit, siya ang maglaba. Remember you are not two separate individuals anymore. You have been joined together as one. Kaya dapat synchronized at coordinated ang galawan  niyo.

8. Food and Groceries

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Totoo iyan. Hindi ito big deal if marunong kang magluto. Time na lang ang magiging issue lalo na kung pareho kayong nagtratrabaho. Siyempre alam naman natin ang sitwasyon ng traffic at public transportation sa Pilipinas. Kung nagko-commute ka lang at malayo ang pinapasukan mo, good luck naman kung makarating ka nang maaga sa bahay para makapagluto.

It's never too late to learn.

Kung hindi ka naman marunong magluto, it is never too late to learn. Hindi rin naman ako marunong magluto pero kaya naman ang simpleng prito. I was just blessed kasi magaling magluto ang husband ko. Pero mas maganda pa rin if you could learn a specialty or two. Para merong panggulat kapag special occasion.

Groceries will now include him. You will now be buying things for men such as shampoo, facial wash, deodorants, etc. You have to know his brand of preference, of course. Hindi naman pwedeng puro toiletries mo lang ang bibilhin mo or brand mo lang lahat ang bibilhin. Sa puntong ito, I guess, sa toothpaste lang kayo pwede mag-isang brand. Pero kung pati toothpaste hindi kayo pareho ng brand, one of you must give in. Otherwise, sa toothpaste pa lang ang laki na agad ng gastos ninyo.

Makakatulong ang magkaroon ng listahan ng lahat ng toiletries na kailangan niyo.

9. Compromises

Sa puntong ito ipapasok natin ang compromise. Dahil nga mag-asawa na kayo, you both have to talk about certain things and agree on things. You may express your opinions and insights, but it will always boil down to the two of you agreeing and compromising. Give and take kayo. Otherwise it will just result to endless fights.

Give and take.

Hindi ito kagaya noong magdyowa pa lang kayo na pwede mong daanin sa pa-cute or pagtatampo ang lahat so you can get your way at susuyuin ka pa niya. Mag-asawa na kayo. His opinion matters as much as yours. Hindi pwedeng isa lang sa inyo ang masusunod or laging masusunod. Kung talagang magkasalungat kayo ng perception, dapat meet half way. Iyong makabubuti for both of you.

10. Decisions, decisions, decisions

Sabi nila dapat raw lalaki ang nasusunod or nagiging decisionmaker sa mag-asawa. Merong mga feministang magtataas ng kilay sa sasabihin ko pero I agree. Husbands should always have the final say when it comes to decision-making lalo na sa major aspects ng relationship ninyo.


Pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nito totally wala ka nang pakialam. As wife, you have the right to express your thoughts and choices as well. Pero you must give in to your husband. Kapag napag-usapan na ninyong dalawa, it should be him who should make the final decision. Once a decision had been made, susunod ka na dun.

Sabi nga ni Papa Jackson, you should treat your husband as a king in order for him to treat you as a queen. Minsan mahirap gawin ito. May mga lalaki kasing parang ayaw mag-isip at padalus-dalos sa mga decision. Pero kaya ka nga andiyan. Ikaw ang taga-analyze ng lahat ng options. Ikaw ang tagahain at tagalatag  nun sa asawa mo. Give him options that would favor both of you and not just yourself. Then let him decide.

Treat him as a king and you will be his queen.

Like in a game of chess for example. If you come to think about it, the “Queen” has a more flexible movement than the "King." She can move in any direction regardless of distance. Pero ang King, pwede nga sa kahit anong direction kaso isang step lang ang distance. Yet, hindi mo pwedeng i-checkmate ang Queen. King pa rin ang target mo to win the game. Mas powerful pa rin ang King. Hindi rin naman pwedeng walang Queen kasi next to the King, ito ang pinaka-powerful na chess piece. Magiging powerless ang King. Ganundin sa married life. You should have the same flexibility of a Queen to support your husband.

In a nutshell…

Hindi ko kayo tinatakot. I am just showing you a glimpse of reality sa buhay may-asawa. Mahaba ang panahong pagsasamahan ninyo. You will be building your own family. What I mentioned above are just part of your beginnings. Just imagine kung may mga anak na kayong kailangan isaalang-alang?


Kaya dapat pareho kayong handa sa journey na ito. Hindi ito ginagawa para lang makiuso or kaya ay dala lang ng peer-pressure dahil ikaw na lang ang walang asawa sa barkada. Hindi rin dahil head over heels ka na ngayon sa dyowa mo ay magpapakasal na kayo agad-agad.

It takes more than just love.

You really have to think a hundred of times before making this decision. Naniniwala kasi ako na the decision for this lifetime commitment should be done before the marriage and not after. Hindi porke’t may divorce, annulment, legal separation, or uso naman ang maghiwalay ay option mo ito lagi kapag ayaw mo na. This should be the last resort for the worst-case scenario. This draws the line from being just boyfriends/girlfriends na pwede kayong mag-break na lang basta kapag nagkatampuhan or nag-away kayo.

It is a lifetime commitment. Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

Iba namang usapan if you are already living together. I know, uso na ito and our law recognizes the rights of a common law spouse or domestic partner. Hindi ako judgmental dahil marami akong friends na nasa ganitong relationship and some of them really worked. Pero personally, I don’t prefer this kind of set-up.

You should be behind each other's success.

Say I love you whenever you can. It is more than just the words. It is the assurance that comes with your actions.

Bottomline… marriage is a big leap. It is a leap of faith. I will always be thankful for having someone to make this leap worth it. Just when I stopped looking and settled into the idea of growing old alone, someone so wonderful came along and open the door of marriage for me. It was not a walk in the park and surely, there will still be challenges as we both grow up together, but we always have faith.

Have faith.

Faith in each other and faith in the One Superior Being that looks over us.

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